When this all began, I did not just want to escape Depression, I wanted to be healed.
I imagined being healed from all the trauma associated with my illness.
Quite some time later, I am no further forward.
I know the sources of healing which are forbidden to me:
* I will not be healed through friendship, as I have no friends.
* I will not fall in love, as I am not in my youth, and are you not supposed to fall in love when young?
It seems impossible now, as I am older, and know too much about the World.
*Healing will not come through a Therapist or a Psychiatrist, as finding such support has proved elusive.
I am starting to wonder if Psychiatrists ever really heal anyone. I hope people in need do find a good Doctor, but I have had negative experiences.
The only moments I have had of healing have been through the friendship of an animal,
a glimpse of flowers in the sun, or my own hard work.
I also found help from stories, plays on the radio, and movies.
I never experienced the healing that I hoped for, and now I wonder did I ask too much?
Is healing a privilege?
I keep hopeful though because I am afraid to miss the opportunity if it arises.
I also feel that in a way it is my duty to hope for healing, and that it would be wrong of me to turn from healing finally.
I am afraid I might grow bitter, jaded, not fun to be around. If I turn from healing, then the darker emotions might enter the vacuum. They have already tried to find a home in me, and I chased them away by saying I would hold on to the lighter emotions in the hope of restoration.
So I keep turning to the sun, and telling myself to believe.
There is another question: does this help me to help other people?
Before this, I did not understand people who were in pain, nor did I understand people who had experienced trauma.
Perhaps my own struggle to recover will help me to have greater compassion for people in real pain, who have been wounded, betrayed, abandoned?
I understand we are on Earth to help other people, and perhaps I should think of others more, and not spend so much time having concern for myself.