When this all began, I did not just want to escape Depression, I wanted to be healed.

I imagined being healed from all the trauma associated with my illness.


Quite some time later, I am no further forward.

I know the sources of healing which are forbidden to me:

* I will not be healed through friendship, as I have no friends.

* I will not fall in love, as I am not in my youth, and are you not supposed to fall in love when young?

It seems impossible now, as I am older, and know too much about the World.

*Healing will not come through a Therapist or a Psychiatrist, as finding such support has proved elusive.

I am starting to wonder if Psychiatrists ever really heal anyone.  I hope people in need do find a good Doctor, but I have had negative experiences.


The only moments I have had of healing have been through the friendship of an animal,

a glimpse of flowers in the sun, or my own hard work.

I also found help from stories, plays on the radio, and movies.


I never experienced the healing that I hoped for, and now I wonder did I ask too much?

Is healing a privilege?


I keep hopeful though because I am afraid to miss the opportunity if it arises.

I also feel that in a way it is my duty to hope for healing, and that it would be wrong of me to turn from healing finally.

I am afraid I might grow  bitter, jaded, not fun to be around.  If I turn from healing, then the darker emotions might enter the vacuum.  They have already tried to find  a home in me, and I chased them away by saying I would hold on to the lighter emotions in the hope of restoration.

So I keep turning to the sun, and telling myself to believe.


There is another question: does this help me to help other people?

Before this, I did not understand people who were in pain, nor did I understand people who had experienced trauma.

Perhaps my own struggle to recover will help me to have greater compassion for people in real pain, who have been wounded, betrayed, abandoned?


I understand we are on Earth to help other people, and perhaps I should think of others more, and not spend so much time having concern for myself.





2 thoughts on “

  1. Amendment: I am reading more on Daniel and he has actually written books on self-therapy. May you could give them a go? I think I will!


  2. Thank you! I will look this up! I came across the ‘Mad in America’ website last week, and I realised that other people other than myself had been disappointed in their search for a therapist, and had even had harsh experiences.

    Thank you for sending me the link, and for your encouraging words. Perhaps Nature can provide true healing, if we really listen. I am going to make an effort to spend more time outside when it is warmer.


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