One of the things I struggle with is guilt.
I blame myself for the original depression, and I wish I could have avoided it.
I might have avoided it, if I had done certain things.
If I had told my Form Teacher that I was being bullied. Or asked the Head of the Year.
But I did not approach a teacher and ask for help.
Perhaps it would have made no difference, or even made things worse.
It is one of the thousands of questions I ask myself, and there are thousands.
I suppose that is part of Recovery. We ask ourselves, what if..?
Those questions are hardest at night, and they will not let me sleep.
By the time I was offered a Therapist it was too late. I had been sliding into depression for three years, and I could scarcely think, never mind manage the demands of therapy.
I was nineteen before I could make a decent stab at therapy, and that was three years later.
I blame myself for that too. For not seeking help earlier, at thirteen.
Then I blame myself for getting lost in Therapy, and for not understanding the therapy, and what was required.
It is true that it was in a hospital setting, and was intense, with no breaks home, and no contact with my family.
Such therapy is very intensive, and hard to respond to.
However, I still wish I could have responded in some way.
Instead, I just withdrew from everyone, and dreaded therapy sessions.
I keep saying,.. What if I had done this, or avoided that?
I suppose I need to ask these questions, as I need to build a foundation which will help me to prevent a return of the depression.
But it can be quite a painful process, as I have to face my own mistakes.