Questions

One of the things I struggle with is guilt.

I blame myself for the original depression, and I wish I could have avoided it.

I might have avoided it, if I had done certain things.

If I had told my Form Teacher that I was being bullied.  Or asked the Head of the Year.

But I did not approach a teacher and ask for help.

Perhaps it would have made no difference, or even made things worse.

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It is one of the thousands of questions I ask myself, and there are thousands.

I suppose that is part of Recovery.  We ask ourselves, what if..?

Those questions are hardest at night, and they will not let me sleep.

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By the time I was offered a Therapist it was too late.  I had been sliding into depression for three years, and I could scarcely think, never mind manage the demands of therapy.

I was nineteen before I could make a decent stab at therapy, and that was three years later.

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I blame myself for that too.  For not seeking help earlier, at thirteen.

Then I blame myself for getting lost in Therapy, and for not understanding the therapy, and what was required.

It is true that it was in a hospital setting, and was intense, with no breaks home, and no contact with my family.

Such therapy is very intensive, and hard to respond to.

However, I still wish I could have responded in some way.

Instead, I just withdrew from everyone, and dreaded therapy sessions.

§§

I keep saying,.. What if I had done this, or avoided that?

I suppose I need to ask these questions, as I need to build a foundation which will help me to prevent a return of the depression.

But it can be quite a painful process, as I have to face my own mistakes.

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L

 

 

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