I have spent many years trying to survive. My life has really been about survival.
I also invested a lot of effort in trying to avoid things.
For example, I invested effort in trying to avoid a return to hospital.
I call this ‘putting out fires’. Trying to avoid conflict in a dysfunctional family.
Trying to avoid a row at Christmas.
This takes time, energy, sometimes every resource that I have.
Developing any potential I might have was placed on the back burner. I could not afford to think about talents I might have, and how I could develop those.
I had to focus on other things.
However, sometimes I feel grief about those talents. I wonder how it would feel to have the opportunity to develop myself as a person, to explore my potential.
I grieve on some days, and there is a sense of loss.
I understand that I made a priority of survival. I understand I had to invest in becoming practical, employable. I understand how circumstances contributed to the place I am today.
But sometimes I wish I had recovered sufficiently to have the time, space, and opportunity to develop myself.
My potential lies within me, untapped, and it feels like an untold story.