Survival

I have spent most of my life trying to survive, and to help the people closest to me to survive as well.

When a person lives this way, it is unlikely they will or can chase ambition.

I  don’t mean to start now.  But I find myself wishing I could have developed my potential, instead of just living on the survival line.

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It bothers me.

If I meet teachers from my youth, they tell me they are disappointed I did not do more with my talents.

It really hurts.  I wish they would not say such things.

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Sometimes, my friends have said similar things, before they left.

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All of this builds up, and can become painful.

I can rationalise and know what the true cost of illness is.

We have to ‘make it’.  We have to survive.  We have to be there for our families.

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I know all this, but it does not help the pain to subside.

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I do not mean to complain, or be ungrateful.

I did manage to stay on my feet, and that is an achievement, as anyone who lives with mental illness will tell you.

But I cannot help but wonder who I might have been without this illness.

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Mint & Gold 10

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