I have spent most of my life trying to survive, and to help the people closest to me to survive as well.
When a person lives this way, it is unlikely they will or can chase ambition.
I don’t mean to start now. But I find myself wishing I could have developed my potential, instead of just living on the survival line.
It bothers me.
If I meet teachers from my youth, they tell me they are disappointed I did not do more with my talents.
It really hurts. I wish they would not say such things.
Sometimes, my friends have said similar things, before they left.
All of this builds up, and can become painful.
I can rationalise and know what the true cost of illness is.
We have to ‘make it’. We have to survive. We have to be there for our families.
I know all this, but it does not help the pain to subside.
I do not mean to complain, or be ungrateful.
I did manage to stay on my feet, and that is an achievement, as anyone who lives with mental illness will tell you.
But I cannot help but wonder who I might have been without this illness.