When I was younger I met people, and I truly loved them. This was before stigma kicked in. I was a teenager then. Now I am cynical. But before this, I was a very loving person.
That was OK. There was very little wrong with how I reacted to people. I saw beauty in them, and so I loved them. I cannot find fault with that.
But there was fault in what I did next. I wanted them to love me back, to see beauty in me, and to value me as a person.
I realise now that this was a mistake.
First, I was putting pressure on another person. I had loved them, but they were under no obligation to return these feelings.
The other problem was Ego. This was about my ego. I wanted to be seen, valued.
They did not notice me, or care about me.
Sometimes they realised they could use me, but they did not love me, not at all.
In fact, sometimes I irritated them.
This was a blow to my ego.
I read books on Yoga and Zen, and they all warned about the Ego. The authors explained that to practise Yoga or Zen, we must conquer the Ego.
I was struggling with my ego. If I realised the truth, that the person did not notice or love me, then I became depressed, not clinically so, but the World seemed grey.
I now deal with all this by letting go. I live and let live.
I loved people very deeply once. I wanted their love and approval in return.
The truth is, only my parents and siblings love me. No-one else does, or is ever likely to.
That is just the way things are. I understand that my ego demanded more, but I will just deal with my ego, and I will continue to learn about love.