This is a post about something which has been on my mind recently, and it is toxicity.
When I finally emerged from mental illness, I became the person I am today which is essentially someone who struggles to regain a place in the World, and a life that she can be proud of.
When I did emerge I did so with a load of toxicity (or PTSD) which has had an impact on how well I do in Recovery.
That is my story, but toxicity can be a problem wherever human beings exist.
Over the years I have had the opportunity to study toxicity, and the effect it has on us as a people.
Jealousy, anger, disappointment..
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with toxic emotions, and on other days I can put up a fight.
I can try to dilute toxic emotions by watching a movie.
I can make a cup of tea.
Animals are great for this, as they are so sweet, cute and need our love.
Life is simple for a dog or a cat. They simply need a home.
If they win this, a family who loves them, then they are happy.
Having a garden can also help, and I do love flowers.
I like wildflowers, and herbs. I will photograph or sketch them.
So the key is distraction.
So many things happened in my past which left a certain amount of damage behind, and I have to deal with the aftermath.
However, the second source of toxicity is other people.
That has little relation to myself or my past.
People simply deposit their toxicity in my life.
Once I went to the Hospital. The Nurses complained about being short-staffed and how much work they had to do, then proceeded take that frustration out on me.
It was not my fault at all, but I still paid for their present difficulty.
Someone can have a hard day at work, or a row with their boyfriend, and take it out on us.
We just happened to be there, in the line of fire. But it really has nothing to do with us.
We need to remember that, as sometimes I have felt guilty, and wondered what I did wrong.
But I did nothing wrong.
I just happened to be the in the line of fire.
At times my friend has done this, but every time, she comes back and apologises.
I also have to be careful. Yes, my past hurt me, but I cannot take that out on other people.
It is not their fault.
I had to place the necessary discipline in my life to make sure I created healthy relationships with people, and that I did not take my past out on them.
I had to learn to deal with my PTSD.
This is all hard work,.. dealing with my own toxic emotions, and those of others.
One way is to be honest.
I have told my family about my PTSD, and this has helped them to understand my moods.
They know it is not their fault, and that I feel down sometimes.
They did nothing wrong, I am not cross with them.
Sometimes, they try to help.
It is also important to accept help.
Do you want to talk about it?
Do you want to go out?
I accept help from my family, and I have a Counsellor who helps me to deal with my PTSD.
I do not tell anyone else, as I do not trust anyone else with PTSD.
For the moment I only want my family and Counsellor to know about my PTSD.
I also use Art, and colour.
I buy magazines. and look at the pictures.
I like Hot Chocolate.
A sense of humour can help too.