One reason why I study is to inspire.

My siblings get battered by the World,

and sometimes will despair at life.

But they love to see me sign up for Courses.

They say that it inspires them to see me go out with my books in a bag.



They also love to see the results of my classes,

say for example my Art.


They know that I am shy,

and that I find it difficult to meet new people.

They understand that it is not easy for me to enter a classroom,

or answer a question in front of everyone.

But they tell me that it inspires them when I make the effort.




Five minutes

This is  post about returning to study after Depression.


We can study for five minutes.

This does not seem like a lot,

but it can add up to 30 minutes every week.



If we do this, we get into the habit of keeping our books where we can reach them.

We mark the right passages, and can begin from where we left off the last time.

The books will not stay in the cupboard.


It is surprising how much you can learn in five minutes.

I may come across an essential fact, which will help me in the exam or in class.


I have had to introduce this practice as I have anxiety around study,

and especially the text books.

It can be daunting to open a text book, and see the diagrams.

It is not the same as relaxing with a novel.


By studying for five minutes every day, I have been able to keep up to date with my  studies, and have been able to answer most of the questions posed by my tutor.


Five minutes may grow into 30 or a full hour if I become interested.

It can be a challenge to return to study after an episode of Depression,

but studying for short stints has helped me.



is an issue for me.

We have too much stuff.

I bought small storage Chests, and carefully arranged them in my room.

They are a soft pink.

I emptied all my Art supplies into them.

People can no longer see my paintbrushes, pencils, scissors, sponges, tubes of paint.

I love the soft pink,

I love the new space.



We had a conversation today,

myself and my sister.

She pointed out things that I do,..


do not communicate.

A lot of this is Depression and how it manifests itself.

She also claimed that I think for other people, and finish their sentences.

I did not know.


Depression affected my ability to talk to people and I know that it has.

It is a constant struggle to know how I come across to others as I am locked in my own World.




it is never easy,

but I do need it.

I need to know how I come across.

I also do not want Depression to affect those around me.



This is a post which  asks the question:

can material goods help to defeat Depression?

I believe that they can, as it can cheer me up to buy something.

Today I bought toiletries to help me to have self-care evenings.

This cheered me up a lot,

as my skin is beginning to suffer with the new Winter temperatures.


I also had a coffee in a cafe,

and it was nice to have a  break and listen to the Christmas music.


Then I bought Gluten Free treats, which I can have in the evening with a cup of tea.


I never thought of such things. when I had Depression at the beginning.

I felt so bad, it seemed ridiculous to buy  toiletries as an anecdote to Depression.


Depression is represented as an emotional, even spiritual crisis,  and in a way it is.

We might feel that a day out at the shops can never help us.

I understand that,

but I do believe that small treats can lift our spirits.



that I spent two Christmases as a patient,

I was anxious to rescue the whole affair.

A minimalist at heart, I tried to avoid glitter,  and pared it down.

I bought magazines, and pored over the pages.

We could have a White Christmas,

or even a recycled Christmas,  with. everything made from string and newspaper.



I would decorate the front step.

If I changed the decor,

I could wipe away past years,..the arguments with alcoholic relatives.


It was ambitious, and involved a lot of work.

I made rules!

Everything is to be completed early.

No-one needs to go out on Christmas Eve.

No last minute panic.


I made a list of names, and they all got a card.

I visited the neighbours with boxes of biscuits.

I was organised.


But it all collapsed.

I could change the decor,

but the fact remained we were a dysfunctional family,

and this was never more obvious than in December.


It was the pressure, be cheerful, gregarious.

My Mum thought we should all play board games,

but no-one wanted to.

There was a dream of everyone sitting around the table, relaxed and laughing.


We will not attempt it this year.

It is hard work, and we cannot make it work anyway.

It is like stepping off a Carousel.





When I discovered Louise Hay,

she wrote how everything that happens to us is our own responsibility.

I tried to take this on board.



When I went into Hospital it was because I needed help.

But I had not been forced.

I was not sectioned.


I chose to walk through those doors.

I was damaged there,

and have spent years raging against the Nurses with their sharp tongues.

I have hated the Doctors who made poor choices.

I have fantasised about an apology.


I do have grounds for resentment,

but the truth is ,..I chose to enter.

I knew the risk when I did.


For years I have been bullied and ostracised because I was in a Hospital.

Again, I was disappointed in the people who chose to do this.

But I did choose that road.


Louise Hay offers a healing process,

but it is hard work.

I have often struggled with her programs,

but I do understand what she is trying to say.


It would be easier to blame others,

it is difficult to face myself.