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Family life

Some people in my family are alcoholics.  Over the years, my parents tried to offer support.

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An alcoholic will take from you.  This is part of their mindset.  They will phone and ask for money.

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However, if they are told ‘No’, then sometimes there are difficulties.

Sometimes, they will become aggressive.

They will arrange to come over to the house, and they will demand things.

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If they do not get what they want, they will march up and down and begin to shout.

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I hate it when this happens.  Sometimes it is easier to give them what they want.  Then peace is restored.

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I do not know what to do in certain situations, and I make the best call I can.

Even if someone stops drinking, this mindset can continue.

I do not mean to blame anyone, but this can be a source of stress.

Mint & Gold 10

 

 

Potential

I have spent many years trying to survive.  My life has really been about survival.

Mint & Gold 10

 

I also invested a lot of effort in trying to avoid things.

For example, I invested effort in trying to avoid a return to hospital.

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I call this ‘putting out fires’.  Trying to avoid conflict in a dysfunctional family.

Trying to avoid a row at Christmas.

This takes time, energy, sometimes every resource that I have.

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Developing any potential I might have was placed on the back burner.  I could not afford to think about talents I might have, and how I could develop those.

I had to focus on other things.

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However, sometimes I feel grief about those talents.  I wonder how it would feel to have the opportunity to develop myself as a person, to explore my potential.

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I grieve on some days, and there is a sense of loss.

I understand that I made a priority of survival.  I understand I had to invest in becoming practical, employable.  I understand how circumstances contributed to the place I am today.

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But sometimes I wish I had recovered sufficiently to have the time, space, and opportunity to develop myself.

My potential lies within me, untapped, and it feels like an untold story.

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The girl who..

I think that I know the person God wanted me to be.

I have glimpsed her.

This makes me sad, as I know I have fallen far from who He wanted me to be.

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I did not want to be a background person.

I wanted to be popular, pretty.  I wanted to live with  greater rewards than this.

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He wanted me to work in the background, scarcely noticed, even ignored.

He wanted me to help if needed, but to work without reward.

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He led me down those paths.  But I wanted to have friends, to be invited to parties.

If I helped someone, I craved their recognition, their thanks.

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I know I had these dreams, desires.

He had to confront me, deny me those things.

He needed to place me in the best place, so that I could help people.

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I can see all that now.

I regret being stubborn.  I regret going down the wrong paths.

I regret wanting to be popular, to be recognised.

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I understand that I can achieve a lot in the background, in the wings, without being seen or noticed.

I hope to get closer to the girl God wanted me to be.

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Compassion

Something I think about, complete with altruism.

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My conclusion is that Compassion is compartmentalised.

By that I mean, we do care, but only for certain people, certain groups, even only in certain situations or times.

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For example, I feel very bad that there is homelessness.  I often think of these people on a cold night.  But if one appeared at our door, and asked to come in for a night, I would worry that they were not clean, might be violent, might steal, and might refuse to leave in the morning.

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It is easier for me to care about the hungry in Africa.  They are far away.  I do care.  However, I do not like some of my neighbours.  I think they are rude.  Well, they have been in the past.

This is the difficulty.

I am mentally ill, and I do not seem to fall into any group that is cared for.  People do not care about me.  I experience stigma.

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Yet, the people who have shouted at me probably consider themselves to be loving people.  They just do not care about me.

Their compassion, and mine is compartmentalised.

We dole it out, our altruism, as we see fit.

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Mint & Gold 3

Advice

Advice I would give to myself at sixteen…

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I had heard about sweet sixteen, but when I was that age, I was in hospital.

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Mint & Gold 2

I did not know this at the time, but there were places I could have attended classes. These were in the local area, near to the hospital.

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There were night classes, and I was entitled to a tutor.

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I did not know this, and no-one told me.

If I had known, I could have attended classes.

I missed  my books, and would have loved to return to study.

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I wish I could tell my younger self to make inquiries, and to ask about these classes.

I sat around doing nothing.  This was bad for me, and it lead to thinking too much.

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It would have helped my confidence to go to class, or have a tutor.

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Words

‘Just ignore it.’

‘I would ignore it.’

‘Take no notice.’

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People tell me these things, but they have never experienced stigma.

If someone has not experienced this, then they cannot understand what stigma is.

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I have been bullied,. and I know how awful it is.

But stigma is worse.

Bullying tends to be the practice of the young.

But stigma is practised by adults.

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Mint & Gold 3

PTSD

I suffer from PTSD, which began when I recovered from Depression.

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I feel that it was a poor trade, one for the other.

Initially, I tried to heal myself, but I now feel that some wounds are too deep.

Mint & Gold 10

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At times, they rise to the surface of my mind, and I have to deal with them.

It has been that way since Christmas.  I have relived certain instances from the past.

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Flashbacks can occur, and then I relive the experience.  I also blame myself for failing to protect myself.

I wonder why other people do this, how can they inflict this type of harm on another human being?

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I wish I could find a way to heal these wounds.   Sometimes, spending time with our cats can help.  Also, sitting in the garden.

Certain books and films have helped.

I watch videos on You Tube about PTSD.

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I like painting, and I use colours to combat the darkness.

I listen to ‘The Lord of the Rings.’

At the end, Frodo asks Gandalf if he will ever find peace.

Gandalf says that perhaps some wounds are too deep for healing.

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I hope that is not the case.  I hope one day that we will all find healing.

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