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The Past

 

How could a family become cursed?

I have read about curses,

and they can be attached to a property.

Also, some valuable jewels or diamonds may be cursed.

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If a jewel has been stolen,

it may be cursed.

In colonial times,

so many items of value were stolen,

from Africa, India, Scotland, Ireland,..

and sometimes curses seemed to follow these items.

 

Another concern was the Titanic.

Was the Titanic cursed?

It is said that an Egyptian mummy was being transported by the ship to America,

and that a curse had followed all those who had possessed this Mummy which had wished to remain buried, in private and in Egypt.

 

If my family are cursed,

then why?

We did possess land,

but no documents exist to show how we gained this land.

So was it a legal purchase?

Was this house and land stolen,

or won in a card game?

blackdress
Helen Cody

 

We have surrendered the land,

and we no longer have the money from the sale.

So why  would we still be cursed?

Perhaps we need to atone in some way for sins of the past?

 

I do not even know what those sins would be,

but perhaps if we had a Mass said for the souls of the dead?

 

I do not know.

I have come to believe that we may be cursed,

as so much has happened to us.

blackdress
Helen Cody

 

I would like to be free of this curse,

and have good luck in the future.

But I also would be willing to atone for any sins of the past,

and to find a way to honour the dead,

anyone wounded by my family.

§§

 

 

 

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Sometimes

 

I wonder if my family are cursed?

So many bad things have happened to us,

and it can look like a curse.

 

Where would this come from?

Well, once my family owned a Mansion with acres of land.

I did hear that some of these wealthy houses attracted curses.

 

It may be that the situation was unfair.

One family owns so much, and others have little.

Or my family may have been guilty of exploiting the poor,

or may have stolen this land.

We do not know how they came by their money or position.

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I have little luck,

and some terrible things have happened to me.

So sometimes I wonder if this is a curse?

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We no longer own this land,

and the money was spent, lost.

But this curse seems to still follow us.

I thought if the land was no longer in our keeping,

then we might be free?

However, we still seem to experience bad luck.

 

I wrote in the previous post about how I cannot create healthy relationships with anyone,

and I wondered if this was why?

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If this is true,

I would like to find a way to be free.

§§

Time

 

I have invested so much time in thinking about relationships.

I can say clearly that I have no relationships at all outside of my family.

This I know.

But it seems to unleash a tidal wave of emotions when I say that.

 

The truth is relations outside of the family are terrible.

I have faced abuse,

and real aggression for years.

I do not think relations could be worse.

blackdress
Helen Cody

 

If I keep to myself,

the trouble can settle down for a while,

but not for long.

 

I have a Tutor now,

but we have a poor relationship.

He gets angry with me and moans at my lack of progress.

We did not establish a friendship,

or even a working relationship.

I irritate him,

and he will snipe at me.

I grit my teeth, and continue on as I want to study.

flower

 

I have no relationship with any Doctors or anyone in the Healthcare system.

I do need support as I have mental illness,

but I could not build a relationship with anyone.

 

I also tried Romance and Friendship,

but this all crashed and burned.

 

I do not feel lonely,

but I do feel fear.

When I come under attack,

I do not know what to do.

I have had men follow and harass me,

possibly because they heard that I had mental illness,

and they had listened to gossip.

 

This level of aggression and even obsession is frightening,

and I have had to learn to stay alert and protect myself.

I invest time in protection,

rather than in reaching out.

blackdress
Helen Cody

Mary Magdalene

 

Mary was in the  Bible.

She had long red hair, was very pretty,

and was a Courtesan.

Men were attracted to her beauty.

But she had no sense of self worth.

She only saw herself as an ornament.

Grape_Art
Grape Art

 

Then she met Jesus.

He was the first man to see her as a person,

to speak to her and listen.

He told her she had worth.

She was not an ornament.

 

Mary was glad to know this.

She followed Jesus.

 

What does it mean to be Mary?

What does it mean to fail,

to fall down,

to mess up?

We are tempted to throw ourselves away,

to think we are nothing,

to allow ourselves to be used.

blackdress
Helen Cody

 

 

We can always go to Jesus.

He loves us without conditions.

He tells us we have worth.

We all have something to offer.

 

 

helen
Design by Helen Cody

 

No-one

 

tells you how to live as I do,

between illness and health.

 

Strictly speaking,

I am no longer ill.

But I do not have full health.

SM2 MRBLE PNY 2

 

I do not know how how occupy this space,

this place between two Worlds.

 

If I was well,

I could do many things which would make me happy.

But I am not well,

and today I will need to dedicate to rest.

 

This confuses the people around me.

They can see that  I am not ill,

but they do not understand why I have these restrictions,..

why do I live at home with my parents?

Why have I not succeeded?

Why do I have no career?

blackdress
Helen Cody

 

Much of my illness followed me into Recovery.

I still have episodes of Depression.

I still have bad dreams.

I still suffer from Stigma.

LG-PinkPeonies-06

 

This is not full health,

and yet I am not ill either.

I wonder how to describe this,

or how to name it.

§§

Coffee

 

Today I went to Starbucks.

I have never been.

I thought I had to be cool to go to Starbucks.

Then I thought that I had to have a bunch of friends,

all made up, shiny and silver in designer gear.

Hathaway
The Devil wears Prada

 

Today it was empty.

This was a first.

So I actually went in.

 

The cashier wanted to know my name,..

I have to give my name?

He wrote my name on a card,

and then the girl made me a coffee.

I had my own cup,

so they made it in that.

Then I went and sat down.

 

The table was scratched,

like an old Pub.

The chairs were ordinary chairs,

and the Art on the walls was very dull.

 

It was just a coffee shop,

like any other.

§§

 

Housework

 

I hoovered the stairs.

This is the only carpet in the house.

The other floors are wooden or Lino or laminate.

They can all be swept and mopped.

 

I heard my family mention names last night,

and I woke up worrying.

I wondered if we would have guests.

Just to be safe,

I hoovered the stairs.

 

I get anxious if we have guests,

as this house is full of clutter and is never tidy.

I try to keep it clean,

but it never looks neat.

Wayfair

 

We have got it wrong few times.

Once we gave biscuits to guests and the biscuits were soft.

Another time, a guest sat in the chair and stood up covered with cat hair.

We had to fluster around him with a brush.

 

It is  all so embarrassing.

How are other families always ready for visitors,

and make perfect hosts?

house
Art by Alena Pam9tka